(Filed under: Malicious Compliance. Hypothetically Hilarious. For Legal Reasons, This is Satire.Bunny Approved. Law Enforcement? Less so.)
1. Rename him in your phone.
To “Don’t.”
Or “NPC Who Texts Too Much.”
Or “Chaz [muted] (still??)”
You’re not replying. You’re storytelling.
2. Send a voice memo of your laugh.
Just the laugh. No words. Just slowly escalate it to a full cackle and cut off mid-snort.
Mysterious. Terrifying. Unfollowable.
3. Print out his texts. Annotate them in red pen. Mail them back.
Bonus points for notes like:
“Unclear thesis.”
“Try using actions instead of adjectives.”
“This isn’t growth. This is a flashback.”
4. Sign him up for a newsletter titled: 'Healing from Your Own Nonsense.'
Tagline: “It’s you. Hi.”
Include optional workbook: ‘Sorry’ Isn’t a Personality.
5. Host a fake Q&A on your Instagram story.
Anonymous question: “Why don’t you text him back?”
Your answer: “Because I’ve done therapy and he hasn’t.”
(The people will understand.)
6. Set an auto-reply that says:
“This inbox is currently reserved for emotionally literate men. Please try again never.”
7. Name a candle after him. Light it every time he texts. Blow it out dramatically after reading.
Scent: Regret and Incomplete Sentences.
8. Write back “Wrong number.” From your number.
Then block him.
Let him doubt the whole fabric of shared memory.
Margin Note from Bunny:
“Technically, I said don’t do it. So if you did… you’re not in trouble. You’re just… misunderstood. By society.”