The Consultation (Filed under: Casualties & Why Archivarius Has That Twitch Now)
Scene: The Archives. Quiet. Dusty. Safe. Archivarius is carefully re-shelving a manuscript that has taken him four months to restore. His hooves are steady. His breathing is calm. He has not seen Sir Reginald in eleven days. Things are good.
SIR REGINALD: (bursting through the door) "ARCHIVARIUS!"
ARCHIVARIUS: (drops manuscript) "Oh no."
SIR REGINALD: "My FAVORITE keeper of dusty things!"
ARCHIVARIUS: (backing away) "I'm the ONLY keeper of dusty things. That's not a compliment. That's a census."
SIR REGINALD: (sweeping into the room, cape knocking over an inkwell) "I require your EXPERTISE."
ARCHIVARIUS: (watching the ink spread across a 200-year-old map) "You require... my..."
SIR REGINALD: "Your HISTORICAL KNOWLEDGE. Your ARCHIVAL DEPTH. Your—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "That was the only copy."
SIR REGINALD: "—your UNPARALLELED understanding of COURT PRECEDENT."
ARCHIVARIUS: (staring at the ruined map) "That was... the only..."
SIR REGINALD: (not noticing, never noticing) "I am PLANNING something MAGNIFICENT, Archivarius. A SPECTACULAR of unprecedented scope. And I need to know—has anyone ever descended from the rafters on a crescent moon BEFORE?"
ARCHIVARIUS: "...What?"
SIR REGINALD: "A CRESCENT MOON, Archivarius! Gilded! Suspended! With me UPON it! Showering the audience in—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "Please stop."
SIR REGINALD: "—ROSE PETALS and VINDICATION!"
ARCHIVARIUS: (swaying slightly) "I need to sit down."
SIR REGINALD: "There's no time for sitting! There's only time for RESEARCH! Now, I'll need records of all previous Court performances, preferably sorted by EMOTIONAL IMPACT—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "That's not... that's not a category..."
SIR REGINALD: "—and any documentation of SEQUIN ALLOWANCES throughout history—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "Sequin... allowances..."
SIR REGINALD: "—and I'll need the original blueprints of the Great Hall so my CHOREOGRAPHY CONSULTANT can assess the STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY of the rafters—"
ARCHIVARIUS: (very quietly) "The rafters are from the 14th century."
SIR REGINALD: "PERFECT! HISTORICAL AUTHENTICITY!"
ARCHIVARIUS: (gripping the edge of a shelf) "Sir Reginald. The last time you were in my Archives, you used a first-edition treaty as a COASTER."
SIR REGINALD: "It was THIRSTY work, planning a revolution of AESTHETICS."
ARCHIVARIUS: "The time before that, you 'borrowed' the Court's founding charter for—and I quote—'costume inspiration.'"
SIR REGINALD: "The calligraphy was EXQUISITE. I wanted to capture its ESSENCE."
ARCHIVARIUS: "You returned it with GLITTER on it, Reginald. GLITTER. On a document signed by the FIRST QUEEN."
SIR REGINALD: (waving a paw dismissively) "Glitter is the confetti of the SOUL, Archivarius. It only ENHANCED—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "It is in the BINDING. It will NEVER come out. Every time I open it, it sparkles at me. ACCUSINGLY."
SIR REGINALD: (leaning in, conspiratorial) "Archivarius. I sense... RESISTANCE."
ARCHIVARIUS: (hollow laugh) "Do you."
SIR REGINALD: "But consider this: when my Spectacular is COMPLETE, when the Court is DAZZLED, when history is MADE—YOU could be the one who DOCUMENTED it. YOUR name, in the records, as the archivist who SUPPORTED the greatest theatrical achievement of our age!"
ARCHIVARIUS: "I don't want my name in those records."
SIR REGINALD: "Think of the LEGACY!"
ARCHIVARIUS: "I am thinking of the legacy. I'm thinking of future archivists opening the ledger and seeing 'Archivarius enabled this' and weeping."
SIR REGINALD: "Tears of JOY!"
ARCHIVARIUS: "Tears of... no. Just tears. Regular tears. The sad kind."
SIR REGINALD: (undeterred, producing a scroll) "I have prepared a LIST of my archival needs. It is COMPREHENSIVE."
ARCHIVARIUS: (looking at the scroll, which is longer than he is tall) "That's not comprehensive. That's a hostage situation."
SIR REGINALD: "Item one: all records pertaining to DISCO."
ARCHIVARIUS: "We don't have records pertaining to disco. This is a MEDIEVAL ARCHIVE."
SIR REGINALD: "Item two: any documentation of EMOTIONAL CRESCENDOS in previous Court events."
ARCHIVARIUS: "That's not... you can't FILE emotions, Reginald."
SIR REGINALD: "Item three: the Queen's personal journals from the FORMATIVE YEARS, so I may better understand her AESTHETIC PREFERENCES—"
ARCHIVARIUS: (going pale) "You want me to give you the Queen's JOURNALS?"
SIR REGINALD: "For RESEARCH."
ARCHIVARIUS: "For research."
SIR REGINALD: "Purely ARTISTIC research."
ARCHIVARIUS: "You want me to hand over the Queen's private writings so you can... what... mine them for MATERIAL?"
SIR REGINALD: (beaming) "You understand PERFECTLY!"
ARCHIVARIUS: (very still, very quiet) "Sir Reginald."
SIR REGINALD: "Yes, my archival ally?"
ARCHIVARIUS: "Do you know what the Queen did to the last person who tried to access her journals without permission?"
SIR REGINALD: (slight hesitation) "...No?"
ARCHIVARIUS: "Neither do I. Because there's no RECORD of them anymore. They've been... unarchived."
SIR REGINALD: (nervous laugh) "Surely you're being DRAMATIC."
ARCHIVARIUS: "I'm an archivist, Reginald. I'm not dramatic. I'm ACCURATE. And I'm accurately telling you that if you pursue this line of inquiry, you will become a CAUTIONARY TALE I tell to young clerks to keep them in line."
SIR REGINALD: (rallying, because he cannot help himself) "ARCHIVARIUS. I understand your CONCERNS. But surely you see the VISION. The GRANDEUR. The—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "The insurance liability."
SIR REGINALD: "—the MAGNIFICENT SWEEPING SCOPE of—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "The structural damage to the rafters."
SIR REGINALD: "—my UNPRECEDENTED CONTRIBUTION to—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "The glitter. In everything. Forever."
SIR REGINALD: (frustrated now) "You have NO IMAGINATION!"
ARCHIVARIUS: "I have PLENTY of imagination. I'm imagining the aftermath RIGHT NOW. I'm imagining filling out the incident reports. I'm imagining explaining to the Queen why her Great Hall smells like burnt sequins and regret."
SIR REGINALD: "You are a BUREAUCRAT!"
ARCHIVARIUS: "Yes. And bureaucrats are the only thing standing between you and the CONSEQUENCES of your own aesthetics."
SIR REGINALD: (taking a deep breath, switching to what he believes is charm) "Archivarius. Old friend."
ARCHIVARIUS: "We're not friends."
SIR REGINALD: "COLLEAGUE."
ARCHIVARIUS: "Barely."
SIR REGINALD: "Fellow... COURT MEMBER."
ARCHIVARIUS: "...Continue. Cautiously."
SIR REGINALD: "I know we've had our DIFFERENCES. But surely, SURELY, in your heart of hearts, you understand what it is to have a DREAM. A PASSION. Something that BURNS inside you, demanding to be EXPRESSED—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "My passion is alphabetization. My dream is a climate-controlled vault. The thing that burns inside me is ANXIETY, and you are making it WORSE."
SIR REGINALD: (leaning closer) "But don't you ever want MORE? Don't you ever look at these dusty shelves and think... what if there was GLITTER?"
ARCHIVARIUS: (staring into the middle distance) "No."
SIR REGINALD: "What if there was MUSIC?"
ARCHIVARIUS: "No."
SIR REGINALD: "What if there was SPECTACLE and DRAMA and—"
ARCHIVARIUS: (very quietly) "Sir Reginald. I became an archivist specifically to avoid spectacle and drama. I chose a life of PAPER and SILENCE and PREDICTABLE CATEGORIZATION. I wake up every morning grateful that my biggest crisis will be a misfiled document or a wayward moth. And then YOU arrive. With your CAPES. And your SCROLLS. And your PLANS. And suddenly I am in the middle of a THEATRICAL EMERGENCY I did not audition for."
SIR REGINALD: "But—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "I am a goat, Reginald. I eat paper when I'm stressed. Do you know how many IRREPLACEABLE DOCUMENTS I have had to stop myself from consuming since you walked in?"
SIR REGINALD: "...How many?"
ARCHIVARIUS: "THREE. I have chewed the corner of THREE priceless manuscripts in the last four minutes. That's a PERSONAL RECORD. And not the kind I want to keep."
SIR REGINALD: (one final attempt) "Archivarius. What if I told you... that your contribution would be ACKNOWLEDGED. In the program. 'Archival Support: Archivarius.' In PRINT. For POSTERITY."
ARCHIVARIUS: (long pause)
SIR REGINALD: (hopeful) "Yes? YES?"
ARCHIVARIUS: "You want to put my name... in a program... for a show that involves you descending from ancient rafters on a gilded moon while a chaos creature dances beneath you and the Queen's personal writings are mined for 'aesthetic inspiration'?"
SIR REGINALD: "...When you say it like THAT—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "I would rather eat my own filing system."
SIR REGINALD: "Archivarius—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "I would rather be UNARCHIVED."
SIR REGINALD: "Surely—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "I would rather Bunny use my ledgers as KINDLING than have my name associated with whatever GLITTERING CATASTROPHE you are planning."
SIR REGINALD: (huffing) "FINE. FINE. I see that VISION is WASTED on the ORGANIZATIONALLY INCLINED. But mark my words, Archivarius—when my Spectacular is the TALK of the KINGDOM, when HISTORY is being MADE, you will REGRET—"
ARCHIVARIUS: (quietly) "Sir Reginald."
SIR REGINALD: "—your lack of FAITH in—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "Sir Reginald."
SIR REGINALD: "—the TRANSFORMATIVE POWER of—"
ARCHIVARIUS: "Reginald."
SIR REGINALD: "WHAT."
ARCHIVARIUS: (pointing weakly) "Your cape is on fire."
(Sir Reginald looks down. His cape has indeed caught the edge of a candle. He screams—not in pain, but in AESTHETIC HORROR—and begins spinning, which only fans the flames.)
SIR REGINALD: "MY VELVET! MY BEAUTIFUL TRAGIC PLUM VELVET!"
(He spins past a shelf. Manuscripts scatter. He spins past the restored map—or what was the restored map—and knocks over a bust of the Third Queen. He spins toward the door, trailing smoke and sequins and the shattered remains of Archivarius's peaceful morning.)
SIR REGINALD: (disappearing down the corridor, still spinning) "THIS ISN'T OVER, ARCHIVARIUS! HISTORY WILL VINDICATE MEEEEE—"
(Silence. Smoke. The gentle flutter of singed paper settling.)
ARCHIVARIUS: (alone now, surveying the damage)
(He looks at the ruined map. The scattered manuscripts. The toppled bust. The scorch marks on the floor. The glitter—somehow, SOMEHOW, there is already glitter—settling into the cracks between the stones.)
(He sits down heavily. He puts his head in his hooves.)
(He faints.)
BUNNY: (arriving seventeen minutes later, finding Archivarius unconscious amid the wreckage)
(He steps over a smoldering sequin. He prods Archivarius gently with one foot. He surveys the destruction with the calm of someone who has seen this before and will see it again.)
BUNNY: (sighing, pulling out his notebook) "Filing under: Reginald, damages caused by. Cross-referenced with: Archivarius, therapy budget for. See also: fire hazards, ambulatory."
(He pauses. Writes something else.)
BUNNY: "Addendum: the bust of the Third Queen has lost her nose. Again. Recommend we stop replacing it and simply accept that Reginald will find a way."
(He looks down at Archivarius, who is beginning to stir, making small distressed goat noises.)
BUNNY: "There, there. It's over. He's gone."
ARCHIVARIUS: (weakly) "The glitter..."
BUNNY: "I know."
ARCHIVARIUS: "It's in the CRACKS..."
BUNNY: "I know."
ARCHIVARIUS: "It will NEVER..."
BUNNY: "I know." (patting him awkwardly on the shoulder) "I know."
END SCENE
Margin note, Bunny's hand:
"Archivarius was non-responsive for seventeen minutes. This is actually an improvement over last time (twenty-three minutes, following the 'Interpretive Dance in the Rare Books Room' incident). Progress, I suppose."
Second margin note:
"Have requisitioned a fire extinguisher to be permanently installed in the Archives. Archivarius has requested it be labeled 'IN CASE OF REGINALD.' Request approved."
Third margin note, shakier handwriting (Archivarius, recovered):
"I have updated my will. The Archives go to Bunny. Not because I like him. But because he's the only one who will protect them from THAT RACCOON."