OFFICIAL DECREE FROM THE OFFICE OF BUNNY RE: The Catastrophic Failure of the Royal Mail System During What We're Calling "The Siege" Because It Sounds Better Than "That Time Everything Broke"
TO: All Court Personnel, Courtiers, Wandering Squirrels, and Anyone Else Who Might Actually Read This
FROM: Bunny, Chief of Complaints & Keeper of Grudges
SUBJECT: The Petty Mail System Is Compromised and We're All Pretending It's Fine
SUMMARY OF THE DISASTER:
During the recent "Kingdom mail architectural restructuring" (read: someone decided to demolish the well established mail routes and replace them with "improved" ones without asking if anyone was still using them), the Velinwood Court Royal Mail System experienced what the Queen politely calls "significant disruption to emotional regulation" and what I call "a complete fucking catastrophe."
OBSERVED FAILURES INCLUDE:
- Mail Getting Stuck in Transit - Letters meant for private correspondence ended up in the public courtyard. Personal correspondence became very public very fast. Several scandals ensued. I'm still getting complaints, mostly from Velin who was not pleased to have his letters to the Queen leaked into the public view. (He'll survive but he won't be nice about it.)
- Cross-Chamber Bleeding - Mail addressed to the Private Annex somehow ended up in the Outer Hall. The Court map was jumbled, addresses unreadable, rooms mislabeled. Velin's personal grocery lists are now court record. He denies that all items on that list were actually his, insisting some of them were rumors, however it's now public knowledge that he may or may not be in the possession of a pink petticoat blanket that may or may not have once belonged to the Queen.
- Phantom Echoes - Old messages from the Queen's discontinued relationships keep appearing. Like ghosts. Annoying, bureaucratic ghosts named Kevin who refuse to go with grace.
- Complete Route Corruption - Some mail stops can no longer be accessed at all without triggering Bunny into a full emotional meltdown. We've sealed them off with yellow tape and small threatening signs and lined the floor with salt. Emma said a prayer and stabbed an acorn.
SECURITY IMPLICATIONS THAT EVERYONE IS IGNORING:
The Petty Color Guard has been deployed and is investigating the breach and attempting to collect the Queen's previously-sealed mail.
The Archives are in chaos, Archivarius fainted several times and mistakenly ate one of the Queen's ledgers. Emma poked him with her spoon. He belched most of it back up, but fainted again muttering "someone should probably do something about this, but won't."
Emma patched the ledger back together with glitter glue and tape but some of the pages were missing.
In other news: Brenda from systems services is retiring. We wish her well. This has nothing to do with this recent mail disruption; her retirement and the breaking down of court systems protocols is entirely coincidental. Her last day will be Mid-February. She enjoys snacks, long walks on the beach and sleep, which apparently she doesn't do often. We wish you well Brenda.
Until Further Notice:
Assume all mail sent during "transition periods" is compromised. Don't write anything you wouldn't want read aloud in the Outer Hall.
ADDENDUM:
For the LAST TIME, do NOT reheat fish in the breakroom microwave. I don't care if you're 'just following the dietary instructions from the Scroll of Unwritten Endings.' The smell lingers. The Queen is annoyed. I am annoyed. The MICROWAVE is annoyed.
Violators will be assigned to mail sorting duty during the Great Backlog of Grudges or assigned to decode the Queen's ledger of Midnight Musings on the possible correlation between gravity and a dream she had in 5th grade she can't stop pulling through all the floors of the kingdom. (Someone should give her something useful to solve.)
SIGNED:
Bunny
Chief Officer of the Eternal Displeasure Division, Petty Anomaly Investigations dept.
Keeper of Grudges and Reluctant Documentarian of Inevitable Emotional Collapses and Unfortunate Keeper of the Queen's Every Waking Thought.
WITNESSED BY:
The Queen (who asked me to make this "less angry" but I refused)
FILED UNDER: (Warnings No One Will Heed, Directions no one will follow, Told You So, Evidence for Later)