Wish You were Here! A Velinwood Vacation Experience, Vol. 1

HOTEL VELINWOOD

Guest Services Directory & Liability Waiver

Welcome to Hotel Velinwood, where nothing works, nothing is up to code, and your complaints will be filed in triplicate then ignored.

The Velinwood Court has arrived for a vacation no one asked for and no one is enjoying. Her Majesty maintains perfect composure. The hotel does not.

Sir Percival has filed 47 safety violations in the first three hours. There are no fire alarms. The emergency exits are decorative. He is documenting everything.

Bunny has organized a networking event for guests. Attendance is mandatory. Enthusiasm is not.

Emma has submitted field reports on the local ant population, claimed three mystery doors as personal territory, and established a chair spinning course in the lobby. Current record: 47 continuous minutes. Helmets are recommended.

Jack of Knives is at the bar. He will remain at the bar. The bar is the only adequately secured area in the building. Nothing else is.

Sir Reginald has left napkin love notes in every room, the restaurant, the spa, and at least one location that cannot be identified. He has no comment.

Morris runs the hotel. Morris is doing his best. Morris has granted the desk civil rights.

There is a door. It goes somewhere. We do not recommend opening it.

The Disappointment Spa is open by appointment. The pool is a fountain in the lobby. It is 18 inches deep. Sir Reginald has written a sonnet about it. Guests are advised not to make eye contact with the fourth-floor windows.

Hotel Velinwood is not responsible for interdimensional incidents, existential discoveries, napkin-related emotional distress, or the actions of the ants.

Wish you were here.(We don't.)

Velinwood Court Publishing